Everlasting

here we go for the first junior season. i'm not ready. i'm afraid. i'm worrying too much. yeah, i always do. i always afraid of losing him. yeah, i do always. i try to convince my self. but you know it's not easy for me to convince by my self. maybe i can't or maybe i won't or maybe i'm afraid? i don't know.

i'm not good at lying. but i'm good when i pretending like i'm okay. i'm fine. i always carrying my smile even though i have terrible day. tough day. rough day. i'm good to hide my feeling. the real feeling. i hurt my self too deep until i feel like gonna die soon. too much right? yeah i think so.

one question that i've been asking for many ties "did he still love me like before?" i've done many mistakes to him. i always make him mad at me. angry at me. scream at me. am i a good girlfriend for him? am i good enough to be with him? hell to the no i cannot answer each question.

i always try to make my self better. i always try to fix my mistakes. i've done many ways to fix my relationship with him. i don't know is there any movement or not. i'm so sad.

i think too much. i care too much. i love him too much. and i always do the "much thing" here. stupid right?

at the end. i love him so much. deep inside of my heart i can't let him go again. i'm so afraid of losing him. i always pray to Allah that i want him for me. i want him to stay with me in the rest of our life. i always want to make him happy, comfort and love e everyday. i want him to be here beside me whenever i need him. no, actually i always need him.

Allah, let me stay beside him and let him stays beside me. please Allah, i beg you to make my dream come true with him. amen..

favorite tweets

tonight i'm just sitting on my sofa and online. i opened my twitter and i started to favorited or retweeted someone tweets.

"The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain"- @damnistrue. is that the things i always do now? pretending like there's nothing happen here. pretending that i'm fine. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to act. i don't know what to say. i'm just sitting here. i'm just standing here and looking from this distance. i want do something to make it better, but when i try to make it better it getting worst. i'm starting to give up. but when i try to give everything up it seems like someone, somebody or something hit my head and say "you do this far. don't give up" so i keep on walking, i keep on running.

"I miss the way you used to hug me, I miss the way you used to kiss my lips, but most of all I miss the way you held me and my heart." - @damnistrue. that's true. i'm so missing you. but i know you won't miss me like before. you won't love me like before. everything has change. there's no more left. i messed everything up. i can't be perfect because every time i try to make it better the things is getting worse. am i stupid? am i pathetic? no one can answer it. no one. i'm not that perfect but i always try to make my self perfect. please look at me.

"Aku kehilangan seseorang karena dia tidak mencintaiku. Aku melihatnya setiap hari,tapi dia tidak bisa mencintaiku"-Ai. is that true? i keep asking this question. this stupid question. i keep looking for the answer until now. i keep doing something that it won't show the answer. i'm in pain. but i covered it with smile and laugh. i cover it with my happiness. i don't mind. really.

if i'm sick like now, will you care about me? if i cry a river, will you wipe my tears off, hug me and tell me that everything gonna be okay soon and you won't go anywhere? if i'm gone someday, will you looking for me until you find me and tell me that you're so afraid of losing me and you hug me like you won't see me again?

the letter

dear you...

i love you with all the same feeling. this feeling never change. i always keep it for you and hope you feel it too. i never know about your feeling to me. all i know when i say "i love you" you always say "i love you too" without i know the truth.

i want to be the part of your life. i want to fill your day with my love. i want to fill our day with our love, laugh, smile and happiness. i want you to be my last. the rest of my life. forever. inside here. my heart. inside there. your heart.

every time, i always pray for the best. for you. for me. for our relationship. i don't want you to go. i want you to stay here. stay close. beside me. always hug me. always hold me. always here for me. protect me. i'll do all the same.

i write this without any hope you will read this. i write this because it is not easy for me to tell you. you are precious for me. for my life. i always wait for you. wait for your text. your call. wait you to come back home here.

i always love when you call my name. i always love when you asked. i always love the way you make me laugh, smile. i always love you without any reason to love you. i'm afraid if i love you with any reason, when the reason is gone you'll go like the reason. i find the words from a novel.

i love you like yesterday, like now and like forever. i will always love you, SZ.

with love, me.

Kata Hati

maaf. aku langgar janjiku dari tulisanku yang terakhir. hingga kini aku masih selalu menangis. maaf. aku ingkari janjiku. meskipun aku mencoba untuk menutupi semuanya dengan senyuman, tawa dan wajah bahagia, aku tetap tidaklah sekuat yang terlihat. aku rapuh. sampai aku lelah untuk terus berpura-pura dengan topengku. Tuhan, aku lelah. maaf.

kata orang hati tidak bisa berbohong. ya, hatiku juga begitu. hatiku berkata "aku sayang kamu. aku nggak mau lepasin kamu lagi. be my last" itu yang selalu hatiku katakan. tapi aku hanya bisa berkata seperti itu, semua akan kembali kepada Tuhan. semua keputusan ada ditangan-Nya.

jika memang suatu hari kamu memang kembali bersama lagi dengannya, aku akan melepasku dengan ikhlas. aku tidak akan memaksakan kehendakmu lagi. aku tahu kamu pasti lelah. karena itu aku tidak ingin memaksakan kehendakmu lagi. aku tidak mau kamu berpura-pura sayang aku. aku mau kamu bahagia. meskipun itu bukan sama aku. aku bisa mengerti.

mencintai tapi tidak harus memiliki. aku bisa mencintaimu, namun belum tentu aku bisa memilikimu sepenuhnya. aku merusak segalanya. maaf. jika waktu bisa diputar aku tidak ingin melakukan kesalahanku. entahlah, aku takut untuk kehilangan kamu dari sisiku. aku ingin kamu selalu dan selamanya buatku. tapi aku bisa apa, aku tidak bisa menentang takdir yang sudah Tuhan rencanakan untuk kita berdua.

aku akan selalu berdoa yang terbaik buat kamu dan kebahagiaanmu


(aku yang selalu menyayangi dan mencintaimu)

a day before

I feel so awkward. I feel I've done many mistakes today. I don't know. I feel so idiot. and I'm realize that I'm a annoying girl. I'm so sorry

now, I promise to my self from tomorrow I will smile and laugh. no more tears. yeah, I hope so. I don't wanna be sad or cry. I just wanna fill my day with smile, laugh, happiness and love

Randomly

It's march. so? is anybody here can hit my head? I couldn't remember anything now. I'm kidding. well, my 18th birthday is coming soon. it's about 3 days later from now. how do I feel? RANDOMLY

I wish I can celebrate my birthday with everyone that I love most. of course with family, with friends. I wanna through that day with my bf. the point is I wanna celebrate my birthday with them

but this year, mom and brothers won't be there. they're too busy with their stuff. maybe just three of us. daddy, lil brother and me. and my friends I don't think they still remember my birthday. last year they forgot my birthday. bf?of course he will remember. he set alarm on that day. I was thinking what if he not set the alarm? is he still remember?

the last point is, "are they still remember me, remember everything of me? still remember my birthday?"

Dear God

dear God...

i feel so upset. i don't know what should i do, God. give me Your way to solve this problem. i don't want to lose him anymore. give me a chance, God..

God, what's wrong with us? we started this relationship and i don't want to end up. give me Your time, God. if i could, i will buy the time because my time is Yours. and You can take it every time You want...

dear God...

i love him. and i can't let him go. why is so hard? did i fell in love with him so deep until i can't let him go? i don't know what should i do, God. i won't let him go. never. i want to keep him. i want him to stay close with me forever...

God, tell him. please, i beg You...

sincerely, me......

Almost a Year

hello grandma, long time no see you here. i miss you. actually we miss you a lot :')

grandma, how are you there? is heaven beautiful? it should be beautiful..

grandma, almost a year you left us. many things changed after you passed away. i miss the moment when you prepared everything for 'lebaran' every year. actually i miss everything..

grandma, i'm sorry when you passed away i couldn't be there. i wished i was there. beside you like the other Triwulan members. i'm sorry i haven't visit your 'new home'. honestly, i'm not ready yet. i'll promise i'll see soon. as soon as possible..

grandma, take care you there. say 'hi' from me to grandpa. i miss him a lot. i miss you both..

Initial S

hey you. yes you with S's initial. this is for you...

i miss you. i miss your voice, you laugh, your hug, i miss everything about you. i'm not playing around with you. i'm so serious with you. i'm sorry for everything that i've done to you. i'm sorry. i feel so sorry. i know, i shouldn't do that. i'm sorry..

hey you..

i promise, i will try my best to standing beside you from now, tomorrow and forever. i know i make a big mistake. but now, i try to fix everything..

hey you..

please don't go so far. please stay close beside me from now, tomorrow and forever. that's all i want. nothing else. just standing beside me and hold me with your hand, body and heart..

hey you..

it's not my "sweet promise". i mean it. i'm serious with my words. with my sentence..

hey you..

please give me your time. i beg you. i beg you to stay close with me. i know i expect too much. i know i can get hurt. but as long as you stay, i'm gonna be okay..

hey you..

i love you and i miss you

diam. hanya diam. lagi-lagi diam

entah cuma perasaan atau bagaimana sebut saja si A makin menjauh. semenjak punya yang baru sebut saja si B. okelah mungkin butuh suasana baru. baiklah seperti biasa aku diam. ya hanya bisa diam tanpa mau berkomentar. tapi semua yang aku rasain cuma sesak melihatnya seperti itu. ah sudahlah. aku tidak mau mencampuri urusannya. entahlah. apa aku lelah atau bagaimana. atau mungkin aku sakit hati. aku diam...

flashback..

sebuah sms mengejutkanku aku membacanya. dan aku balas dengan senang. lalu sebuah pertanyaan itu. ya pertanyaan yang membuatku sedikit marah karenanya. dan ditambah lagi oleh kata-kata yang mereka berdua tulis disitu. rasanya sakit. tapi aku bisa apa? aku tidak bisa marah. aku hanya menahan semua amarahku. dan mungkin kalau sudah meledak entahlah apa yang terjadi nantinya. dan aku hanya terdiam lagi...

lanjutan..

aku disini hanya sebagai pemerhati sebuah jejaring sosial antara mereka berlima mungkin si A, si B, si E, si F dan si P. aku jarang bergabung dengan mereka. aku hanya diam membaca dengan santai. satu atau dua kali aku masih bisa maklum. tapi entah mengapa semakin lama aku merasa "mereka menjauhiku.." tidak ada lagi sms masuk yang berisi tentang curhatan mereka. aku diam. lagi-lagi aku diam. aku hanya bisa diam. ya selamanya diam...

aku diam bukan berarti aku baik-baik saja. aku cuma lelah karena aku tidak didengar. aku lelah harus berkata lagi. aku diam. hanya itu yang aku bisa. aku diam untuk kalian. aku diam membaca, mendengar dan merasa. semuanya aku tahan untuk kalian. aku sayang kalian. kalian tahu atau pura-pura tidak tahu? dan lagi-lagi aku hanya bisa diam...

mungkin kalian terlambat untuk membaca ini atau bahkan kalian tidak akan pernah membacanya. tapi semua yang aku tulis disini itu yang aku rasakan. aku hanya bisa berkata lewat tulisan. aku tidak berani berkata langsung. maaf aku bukan sahabat yang baik untuk kalian semuanya. aku sayang kalian. semuanya...