Everlasting

here we go for the first junior season. i'm not ready. i'm afraid. i'm worrying too much. yeah, i always do. i always afraid of losing him. yeah, i do always. i try to convince my self. but you know it's not easy for me to convince by my self. maybe i can't or maybe i won't or maybe i'm afraid? i don't know.

i'm not good at lying. but i'm good when i pretending like i'm okay. i'm fine. i always carrying my smile even though i have terrible day. tough day. rough day. i'm good to hide my feeling. the real feeling. i hurt my self too deep until i feel like gonna die soon. too much right? yeah i think so.

one question that i've been asking for many ties "did he still love me like before?" i've done many mistakes to him. i always make him mad at me. angry at me. scream at me. am i a good girlfriend for him? am i good enough to be with him? hell to the no i cannot answer each question.

i always try to make my self better. i always try to fix my mistakes. i've done many ways to fix my relationship with him. i don't know is there any movement or not. i'm so sad.

i think too much. i care too much. i love him too much. and i always do the "much thing" here. stupid right?

at the end. i love him so much. deep inside of my heart i can't let him go again. i'm so afraid of losing him. i always pray to Allah that i want him for me. i want him to stay with me in the rest of our life. i always want to make him happy, comfort and love e everyday. i want him to be here beside me whenever i need him. no, actually i always need him.

Allah, let me stay beside him and let him stays beside me. please Allah, i beg you to make my dream come true with him. amen..

favorite tweets

tonight i'm just sitting on my sofa and online. i opened my twitter and i started to favorited or retweeted someone tweets.

"The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain"- @damnistrue. is that the things i always do now? pretending like there's nothing happen here. pretending that i'm fine. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to act. i don't know what to say. i'm just sitting here. i'm just standing here and looking from this distance. i want do something to make it better, but when i try to make it better it getting worst. i'm starting to give up. but when i try to give everything up it seems like someone, somebody or something hit my head and say "you do this far. don't give up" so i keep on walking, i keep on running.

"I miss the way you used to hug me, I miss the way you used to kiss my lips, but most of all I miss the way you held me and my heart." - @damnistrue. that's true. i'm so missing you. but i know you won't miss me like before. you won't love me like before. everything has change. there's no more left. i messed everything up. i can't be perfect because every time i try to make it better the things is getting worse. am i stupid? am i pathetic? no one can answer it. no one. i'm not that perfect but i always try to make my self perfect. please look at me.

"Aku kehilangan seseorang karena dia tidak mencintaiku. Aku melihatnya setiap hari,tapi dia tidak bisa mencintaiku"-Ai. is that true? i keep asking this question. this stupid question. i keep looking for the answer until now. i keep doing something that it won't show the answer. i'm in pain. but i covered it with smile and laugh. i cover it with my happiness. i don't mind. really.

if i'm sick like now, will you care about me? if i cry a river, will you wipe my tears off, hug me and tell me that everything gonna be okay soon and you won't go anywhere? if i'm gone someday, will you looking for me until you find me and tell me that you're so afraid of losing me and you hug me like you won't see me again?

the letter

dear you...

i love you with all the same feeling. this feeling never change. i always keep it for you and hope you feel it too. i never know about your feeling to me. all i know when i say "i love you" you always say "i love you too" without i know the truth.

i want to be the part of your life. i want to fill your day with my love. i want to fill our day with our love, laugh, smile and happiness. i want you to be my last. the rest of my life. forever. inside here. my heart. inside there. your heart.

every time, i always pray for the best. for you. for me. for our relationship. i don't want you to go. i want you to stay here. stay close. beside me. always hug me. always hold me. always here for me. protect me. i'll do all the same.

i write this without any hope you will read this. i write this because it is not easy for me to tell you. you are precious for me. for my life. i always wait for you. wait for your text. your call. wait you to come back home here.

i always love when you call my name. i always love when you asked. i always love the way you make me laugh, smile. i always love you without any reason to love you. i'm afraid if i love you with any reason, when the reason is gone you'll go like the reason. i find the words from a novel.

i love you like yesterday, like now and like forever. i will always love you, SZ.

with love, me.