Kata Hati

maaf. aku langgar janjiku dari tulisanku yang terakhir. hingga kini aku masih selalu menangis. maaf. aku ingkari janjiku. meskipun aku mencoba untuk menutupi semuanya dengan senyuman, tawa dan wajah bahagia, aku tetap tidaklah sekuat yang terlihat. aku rapuh. sampai aku lelah untuk terus berpura-pura dengan topengku. Tuhan, aku lelah. maaf.

kata orang hati tidak bisa berbohong. ya, hatiku juga begitu. hatiku berkata "aku sayang kamu. aku nggak mau lepasin kamu lagi. be my last" itu yang selalu hatiku katakan. tapi aku hanya bisa berkata seperti itu, semua akan kembali kepada Tuhan. semua keputusan ada ditangan-Nya.

jika memang suatu hari kamu memang kembali bersama lagi dengannya, aku akan melepasku dengan ikhlas. aku tidak akan memaksakan kehendakmu lagi. aku tahu kamu pasti lelah. karena itu aku tidak ingin memaksakan kehendakmu lagi. aku tidak mau kamu berpura-pura sayang aku. aku mau kamu bahagia. meskipun itu bukan sama aku. aku bisa mengerti.

mencintai tapi tidak harus memiliki. aku bisa mencintaimu, namun belum tentu aku bisa memilikimu sepenuhnya. aku merusak segalanya. maaf. jika waktu bisa diputar aku tidak ingin melakukan kesalahanku. entahlah, aku takut untuk kehilangan kamu dari sisiku. aku ingin kamu selalu dan selamanya buatku. tapi aku bisa apa, aku tidak bisa menentang takdir yang sudah Tuhan rencanakan untuk kita berdua.

aku akan selalu berdoa yang terbaik buat kamu dan kebahagiaanmu


(aku yang selalu menyayangi dan mencintaimu)

a day before

I feel so awkward. I feel I've done many mistakes today. I don't know. I feel so idiot. and I'm realize that I'm a annoying girl. I'm so sorry

now, I promise to my self from tomorrow I will smile and laugh. no more tears. yeah, I hope so. I don't wanna be sad or cry. I just wanna fill my day with smile, laugh, happiness and love

Randomly

It's march. so? is anybody here can hit my head? I couldn't remember anything now. I'm kidding. well, my 18th birthday is coming soon. it's about 3 days later from now. how do I feel? RANDOMLY

I wish I can celebrate my birthday with everyone that I love most. of course with family, with friends. I wanna through that day with my bf. the point is I wanna celebrate my birthday with them

but this year, mom and brothers won't be there. they're too busy with their stuff. maybe just three of us. daddy, lil brother and me. and my friends I don't think they still remember my birthday. last year they forgot my birthday. bf?of course he will remember. he set alarm on that day. I was thinking what if he not set the alarm? is he still remember?

the last point is, "are they still remember me, remember everything of me? still remember my birthday?"

Dear God

dear God...

i feel so upset. i don't know what should i do, God. give me Your way to solve this problem. i don't want to lose him anymore. give me a chance, God..

God, what's wrong with us? we started this relationship and i don't want to end up. give me Your time, God. if i could, i will buy the time because my time is Yours. and You can take it every time You want...

dear God...

i love him. and i can't let him go. why is so hard? did i fell in love with him so deep until i can't let him go? i don't know what should i do, God. i won't let him go. never. i want to keep him. i want him to stay close with me forever...

God, tell him. please, i beg You...

sincerely, me......

Almost a Year

hello grandma, long time no see you here. i miss you. actually we miss you a lot :')

grandma, how are you there? is heaven beautiful? it should be beautiful..

grandma, almost a year you left us. many things changed after you passed away. i miss the moment when you prepared everything for 'lebaran' every year. actually i miss everything..

grandma, i'm sorry when you passed away i couldn't be there. i wished i was there. beside you like the other Triwulan members. i'm sorry i haven't visit your 'new home'. honestly, i'm not ready yet. i'll promise i'll see soon. as soon as possible..

grandma, take care you there. say 'hi' from me to grandpa. i miss him a lot. i miss you both..

Initial S

hey you. yes you with S's initial. this is for you...

i miss you. i miss your voice, you laugh, your hug, i miss everything about you. i'm not playing around with you. i'm so serious with you. i'm sorry for everything that i've done to you. i'm sorry. i feel so sorry. i know, i shouldn't do that. i'm sorry..

hey you..

i promise, i will try my best to standing beside you from now, tomorrow and forever. i know i make a big mistake. but now, i try to fix everything..

hey you..

please don't go so far. please stay close beside me from now, tomorrow and forever. that's all i want. nothing else. just standing beside me and hold me with your hand, body and heart..

hey you..

it's not my "sweet promise". i mean it. i'm serious with my words. with my sentence..

hey you..

please give me your time. i beg you. i beg you to stay close with me. i know i expect too much. i know i can get hurt. but as long as you stay, i'm gonna be okay..

hey you..

i love you and i miss you

diam. hanya diam. lagi-lagi diam

entah cuma perasaan atau bagaimana sebut saja si A makin menjauh. semenjak punya yang baru sebut saja si B. okelah mungkin butuh suasana baru. baiklah seperti biasa aku diam. ya hanya bisa diam tanpa mau berkomentar. tapi semua yang aku rasain cuma sesak melihatnya seperti itu. ah sudahlah. aku tidak mau mencampuri urusannya. entahlah. apa aku lelah atau bagaimana. atau mungkin aku sakit hati. aku diam...

flashback..

sebuah sms mengejutkanku aku membacanya. dan aku balas dengan senang. lalu sebuah pertanyaan itu. ya pertanyaan yang membuatku sedikit marah karenanya. dan ditambah lagi oleh kata-kata yang mereka berdua tulis disitu. rasanya sakit. tapi aku bisa apa? aku tidak bisa marah. aku hanya menahan semua amarahku. dan mungkin kalau sudah meledak entahlah apa yang terjadi nantinya. dan aku hanya terdiam lagi...

lanjutan..

aku disini hanya sebagai pemerhati sebuah jejaring sosial antara mereka berlima mungkin si A, si B, si E, si F dan si P. aku jarang bergabung dengan mereka. aku hanya diam membaca dengan santai. satu atau dua kali aku masih bisa maklum. tapi entah mengapa semakin lama aku merasa "mereka menjauhiku.." tidak ada lagi sms masuk yang berisi tentang curhatan mereka. aku diam. lagi-lagi aku diam. aku hanya bisa diam. ya selamanya diam...

aku diam bukan berarti aku baik-baik saja. aku cuma lelah karena aku tidak didengar. aku lelah harus berkata lagi. aku diam. hanya itu yang aku bisa. aku diam untuk kalian. aku diam membaca, mendengar dan merasa. semuanya aku tahan untuk kalian. aku sayang kalian. kalian tahu atau pura-pura tidak tahu? dan lagi-lagi aku hanya bisa diam...

mungkin kalian terlambat untuk membaca ini atau bahkan kalian tidak akan pernah membacanya. tapi semua yang aku tulis disini itu yang aku rasakan. aku hanya bisa berkata lewat tulisan. aku tidak berani berkata langsung. maaf aku bukan sahabat yang baik untuk kalian semuanya. aku sayang kalian. semuanya...

Rough Skecth

I fell in love with someone who i had thought never before. He was also never thought like that. It just happened. and finally we stated that we love each other. It felt like I was dreaming. Everyone says "you're lucky" "you're perfect couple". many people who pray for happiness in our relationships. they expect us to be together forever. that their expectations about our relationship. I'm happy. I'm happy with him. only one hope, "God, give me a chance to be with him forever, to give him happiness. genuine happiness. I want to see a smile on his face. sincere smile from him. God, I loved him sincerely. I do not expect anything. I just want to there beside him forever. God told him that I love him .. "

new year 2012

hello new year. so late to post about this new year..

anyway, this new year i didn't go to anywhere haha. i slept around 9. then woke up because of the fireworks. so damn haha..

anyway, on dec 31st he came back to his country. i couldn't cry in front of him. i cried when he called me and said that the plane would take off in few minute. suddenly, i cried all night. and slept with the tears. so embarresed with that. sorry i couldn't make that promise... i miss you everytime..

midnight, i've got message from him that he just arrived. glad to heard that..

nothing special about my new year eve here..

hey you, i miss you already and everytime :)

unpredrictable

i'm missing someone. someone who always beside me everytime. someone who make me feel comfortable, safe, calm and happy everytime. someone that i miss a lot..

hey you, i miss you so much. i want you right now. i need you beside me. i need your hug. your big hug. your warm hug. i need to see you now. i miss you..

i miss your hug. i miss your smile. i miss your laugh. i miss everything about you. everything that you ever show to me. everything that you give to me..

when you come back, i'll hug you. and never let you go. i'll always hug you. i'll always hold you..

"you have my trust. and i have yours too. we have our commitment.."