Everlasting

here we go for the first junior season. i'm not ready. i'm afraid. i'm worrying too much. yeah, i always do. i always afraid of losing him. yeah, i do always. i try to convince my self. but you know it's not easy for me to convince by my self. maybe i can't or maybe i won't or maybe i'm afraid? i don't know.

i'm not good at lying. but i'm good when i pretending like i'm okay. i'm fine. i always carrying my smile even though i have terrible day. tough day. rough day. i'm good to hide my feeling. the real feeling. i hurt my self too deep until i feel like gonna die soon. too much right? yeah i think so.

one question that i've been asking for many ties "did he still love me like before?" i've done many mistakes to him. i always make him mad at me. angry at me. scream at me. am i a good girlfriend for him? am i good enough to be with him? hell to the no i cannot answer each question.

i always try to make my self better. i always try to fix my mistakes. i've done many ways to fix my relationship with him. i don't know is there any movement or not. i'm so sad.

i think too much. i care too much. i love him too much. and i always do the "much thing" here. stupid right?

at the end. i love him so much. deep inside of my heart i can't let him go again. i'm so afraid of losing him. i always pray to Allah that i want him for me. i want him to stay with me in the rest of our life. i always want to make him happy, comfort and love e everyday. i want him to be here beside me whenever i need him. no, actually i always need him.

Allah, let me stay beside him and let him stays beside me. please Allah, i beg you to make my dream come true with him. amen..

favorite tweets

tonight i'm just sitting on my sofa and online. i opened my twitter and i started to favorited or retweeted someone tweets.

"The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain"- @damnistrue. is that the things i always do now? pretending like there's nothing happen here. pretending that i'm fine. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to act. i don't know what to say. i'm just sitting here. i'm just standing here and looking from this distance. i want do something to make it better, but when i try to make it better it getting worst. i'm starting to give up. but when i try to give everything up it seems like someone, somebody or something hit my head and say "you do this far. don't give up" so i keep on walking, i keep on running.

"I miss the way you used to hug me, I miss the way you used to kiss my lips, but most of all I miss the way you held me and my heart." - @damnistrue. that's true. i'm so missing you. but i know you won't miss me like before. you won't love me like before. everything has change. there's no more left. i messed everything up. i can't be perfect because every time i try to make it better the things is getting worse. am i stupid? am i pathetic? no one can answer it. no one. i'm not that perfect but i always try to make my self perfect. please look at me.

"Aku kehilangan seseorang karena dia tidak mencintaiku. Aku melihatnya setiap hari,tapi dia tidak bisa mencintaiku"-Ai. is that true? i keep asking this question. this stupid question. i keep looking for the answer until now. i keep doing something that it won't show the answer. i'm in pain. but i covered it with smile and laugh. i cover it with my happiness. i don't mind. really.

if i'm sick like now, will you care about me? if i cry a river, will you wipe my tears off, hug me and tell me that everything gonna be okay soon and you won't go anywhere? if i'm gone someday, will you looking for me until you find me and tell me that you're so afraid of losing me and you hug me like you won't see me again?

the letter

dear you...

i love you with all the same feeling. this feeling never change. i always keep it for you and hope you feel it too. i never know about your feeling to me. all i know when i say "i love you" you always say "i love you too" without i know the truth.

i want to be the part of your life. i want to fill your day with my love. i want to fill our day with our love, laugh, smile and happiness. i want you to be my last. the rest of my life. forever. inside here. my heart. inside there. your heart.

every time, i always pray for the best. for you. for me. for our relationship. i don't want you to go. i want you to stay here. stay close. beside me. always hug me. always hold me. always here for me. protect me. i'll do all the same.

i write this without any hope you will read this. i write this because it is not easy for me to tell you. you are precious for me. for my life. i always wait for you. wait for your text. your call. wait you to come back home here.

i always love when you call my name. i always love when you asked. i always love the way you make me laugh, smile. i always love you without any reason to love you. i'm afraid if i love you with any reason, when the reason is gone you'll go like the reason. i find the words from a novel.

i love you like yesterday, like now and like forever. i will always love you, SZ.

with love, me.

Kata Hati

maaf. aku langgar janjiku dari tulisanku yang terakhir. hingga kini aku masih selalu menangis. maaf. aku ingkari janjiku. meskipun aku mencoba untuk menutupi semuanya dengan senyuman, tawa dan wajah bahagia, aku tetap tidaklah sekuat yang terlihat. aku rapuh. sampai aku lelah untuk terus berpura-pura dengan topengku. Tuhan, aku lelah. maaf.

kata orang hati tidak bisa berbohong. ya, hatiku juga begitu. hatiku berkata "aku sayang kamu. aku nggak mau lepasin kamu lagi. be my last" itu yang selalu hatiku katakan. tapi aku hanya bisa berkata seperti itu, semua akan kembali kepada Tuhan. semua keputusan ada ditangan-Nya.

jika memang suatu hari kamu memang kembali bersama lagi dengannya, aku akan melepasku dengan ikhlas. aku tidak akan memaksakan kehendakmu lagi. aku tahu kamu pasti lelah. karena itu aku tidak ingin memaksakan kehendakmu lagi. aku tidak mau kamu berpura-pura sayang aku. aku mau kamu bahagia. meskipun itu bukan sama aku. aku bisa mengerti.

mencintai tapi tidak harus memiliki. aku bisa mencintaimu, namun belum tentu aku bisa memilikimu sepenuhnya. aku merusak segalanya. maaf. jika waktu bisa diputar aku tidak ingin melakukan kesalahanku. entahlah, aku takut untuk kehilangan kamu dari sisiku. aku ingin kamu selalu dan selamanya buatku. tapi aku bisa apa, aku tidak bisa menentang takdir yang sudah Tuhan rencanakan untuk kita berdua.

aku akan selalu berdoa yang terbaik buat kamu dan kebahagiaanmu


(aku yang selalu menyayangi dan mencintaimu)

a day before

I feel so awkward. I feel I've done many mistakes today. I don't know. I feel so idiot. and I'm realize that I'm a annoying girl. I'm so sorry

now, I promise to my self from tomorrow I will smile and laugh. no more tears. yeah, I hope so. I don't wanna be sad or cry. I just wanna fill my day with smile, laugh, happiness and love

Randomly

It's march. so? is anybody here can hit my head? I couldn't remember anything now. I'm kidding. well, my 18th birthday is coming soon. it's about 3 days later from now. how do I feel? RANDOMLY

I wish I can celebrate my birthday with everyone that I love most. of course with family, with friends. I wanna through that day with my bf. the point is I wanna celebrate my birthday with them

but this year, mom and brothers won't be there. they're too busy with their stuff. maybe just three of us. daddy, lil brother and me. and my friends I don't think they still remember my birthday. last year they forgot my birthday. bf?of course he will remember. he set alarm on that day. I was thinking what if he not set the alarm? is he still remember?

the last point is, "are they still remember me, remember everything of me? still remember my birthday?"

Dear God

dear God...

i feel so upset. i don't know what should i do, God. give me Your way to solve this problem. i don't want to lose him anymore. give me a chance, God..

God, what's wrong with us? we started this relationship and i don't want to end up. give me Your time, God. if i could, i will buy the time because my time is Yours. and You can take it every time You want...

dear God...

i love him. and i can't let him go. why is so hard? did i fell in love with him so deep until i can't let him go? i don't know what should i do, God. i won't let him go. never. i want to keep him. i want him to stay close with me forever...

God, tell him. please, i beg You...

sincerely, me......

Almost a Year

hello grandma, long time no see you here. i miss you. actually we miss you a lot :')

grandma, how are you there? is heaven beautiful? it should be beautiful..

grandma, almost a year you left us. many things changed after you passed away. i miss the moment when you prepared everything for 'lebaran' every year. actually i miss everything..

grandma, i'm sorry when you passed away i couldn't be there. i wished i was there. beside you like the other Triwulan members. i'm sorry i haven't visit your 'new home'. honestly, i'm not ready yet. i'll promise i'll see soon. as soon as possible..

grandma, take care you there. say 'hi' from me to grandpa. i miss him a lot. i miss you both..

Initial S

hey you. yes you with S's initial. this is for you...

i miss you. i miss your voice, you laugh, your hug, i miss everything about you. i'm not playing around with you. i'm so serious with you. i'm sorry for everything that i've done to you. i'm sorry. i feel so sorry. i know, i shouldn't do that. i'm sorry..

hey you..

i promise, i will try my best to standing beside you from now, tomorrow and forever. i know i make a big mistake. but now, i try to fix everything..

hey you..

please don't go so far. please stay close beside me from now, tomorrow and forever. that's all i want. nothing else. just standing beside me and hold me with your hand, body and heart..

hey you..

it's not my "sweet promise". i mean it. i'm serious with my words. with my sentence..

hey you..

please give me your time. i beg you. i beg you to stay close with me. i know i expect too much. i know i can get hurt. but as long as you stay, i'm gonna be okay..

hey you..

i love you and i miss you

diam. hanya diam. lagi-lagi diam

entah cuma perasaan atau bagaimana sebut saja si A makin menjauh. semenjak punya yang baru sebut saja si B. okelah mungkin butuh suasana baru. baiklah seperti biasa aku diam. ya hanya bisa diam tanpa mau berkomentar. tapi semua yang aku rasain cuma sesak melihatnya seperti itu. ah sudahlah. aku tidak mau mencampuri urusannya. entahlah. apa aku lelah atau bagaimana. atau mungkin aku sakit hati. aku diam...

flashback..

sebuah sms mengejutkanku aku membacanya. dan aku balas dengan senang. lalu sebuah pertanyaan itu. ya pertanyaan yang membuatku sedikit marah karenanya. dan ditambah lagi oleh kata-kata yang mereka berdua tulis disitu. rasanya sakit. tapi aku bisa apa? aku tidak bisa marah. aku hanya menahan semua amarahku. dan mungkin kalau sudah meledak entahlah apa yang terjadi nantinya. dan aku hanya terdiam lagi...

lanjutan..

aku disini hanya sebagai pemerhati sebuah jejaring sosial antara mereka berlima mungkin si A, si B, si E, si F dan si P. aku jarang bergabung dengan mereka. aku hanya diam membaca dengan santai. satu atau dua kali aku masih bisa maklum. tapi entah mengapa semakin lama aku merasa "mereka menjauhiku.." tidak ada lagi sms masuk yang berisi tentang curhatan mereka. aku diam. lagi-lagi aku diam. aku hanya bisa diam. ya selamanya diam...

aku diam bukan berarti aku baik-baik saja. aku cuma lelah karena aku tidak didengar. aku lelah harus berkata lagi. aku diam. hanya itu yang aku bisa. aku diam untuk kalian. aku diam membaca, mendengar dan merasa. semuanya aku tahan untuk kalian. aku sayang kalian. kalian tahu atau pura-pura tidak tahu? dan lagi-lagi aku hanya bisa diam...

mungkin kalian terlambat untuk membaca ini atau bahkan kalian tidak akan pernah membacanya. tapi semua yang aku tulis disini itu yang aku rasakan. aku hanya bisa berkata lewat tulisan. aku tidak berani berkata langsung. maaf aku bukan sahabat yang baik untuk kalian semuanya. aku sayang kalian. semuanya...

Rough Skecth

I fell in love with someone who i had thought never before. He was also never thought like that. It just happened. and finally we stated that we love each other. It felt like I was dreaming. Everyone says "you're lucky" "you're perfect couple". many people who pray for happiness in our relationships. they expect us to be together forever. that their expectations about our relationship. I'm happy. I'm happy with him. only one hope, "God, give me a chance to be with him forever, to give him happiness. genuine happiness. I want to see a smile on his face. sincere smile from him. God, I loved him sincerely. I do not expect anything. I just want to there beside him forever. God told him that I love him .. "

new year 2012

hello new year. so late to post about this new year..

anyway, this new year i didn't go to anywhere haha. i slept around 9. then woke up because of the fireworks. so damn haha..

anyway, on dec 31st he came back to his country. i couldn't cry in front of him. i cried when he called me and said that the plane would take off in few minute. suddenly, i cried all night. and slept with the tears. so embarresed with that. sorry i couldn't make that promise... i miss you everytime..

midnight, i've got message from him that he just arrived. glad to heard that..

nothing special about my new year eve here..

hey you, i miss you already and everytime :)

unpredrictable

i'm missing someone. someone who always beside me everytime. someone who make me feel comfortable, safe, calm and happy everytime. someone that i miss a lot..

hey you, i miss you so much. i want you right now. i need you beside me. i need your hug. your big hug. your warm hug. i need to see you now. i miss you..

i miss your hug. i miss your smile. i miss your laugh. i miss everything about you. everything that you ever show to me. everything that you give to me..

when you come back, i'll hug you. and never let you go. i'll always hug you. i'll always hold you..

"you have my trust. and i have yours too. we have our commitment.."

The time and the distance

"halo, nama kamu siapa?" sapanya. "halo juga, nama aku Waktu. kamu siapa?" jawabnya seraya tersenyum ramah. "oh halo Waktu. nama aku Jarak.." "oh halo juga Jarak. salam kenal ya" lalu mereka berjabat tangan hangat dan merekapun langsung dekat...

aku nggak berharap ada yang baca tulisan ini atau nggak. aku hanya ingin menumpahkan semua yang aku rasakan dan aku nggak tau dimana aku harus menumpahkan semuanya itu...

ini bulan kesepuluh kita. peringatan tanggal kita bertepatan dengan tanggal cantik 11-11-11. ya, menurutku itu cantik. hari itu berjalan seperti biasa. sebuah ucapan sederhana yang selalu ada disetiap ulang tanggal setiap bulannya. aku suka dan aku selalu menunggu kata-kata itu setiap bulannya...

mungkin ini hanya perasaanku. aku nggak maksa kamu buat mengerti. aku ingin kamu tau, hanya sekedar tau. tidak tau pun juga tidak apa-apa. aku tidak mempermasalahkannya...

selama ini aku terlihat selalu menyembunyikan semuanya dari kamu dan mereka. apa yang aku rasakan. aku nggak pernah kasih tau kamu. aku selalu menyimpannya sendiri. sampai batas kemampuanku. ya aku tau ini dan itu sangat egois bahkan nggak adil. tapi entahlah aku lebih suka menyimpannya sendiri...

"waktu" dan "jarak" bisa kita menghapus kedua kata iu dari kamus? andaikan bisa, aku ingin meghapus kedua kata itu. selama-lamanya. bahkan sampai semua orang lupa ada dua kata itu dalam kamus...

PSPD-A FK UB

perkenalkan ini adalah kelas baru saya selama kurang lebih 1 tahun bahkan lebih..

ini kelas yang besar. besar sekali. sangat besar. lima kali lebih banyak dari kelas saya terdahulu. hanya ada 20 orang disana. sekarang saya berada diantara sekitar 110 mahasiswa..

mereka berasal dari berbagao macam daerah. suku. bangsa. bahasa dan juga agama. mereka juga memiliki sifat yang bermacam-macam. mulai yang menyenangkan hingga menyebalkan..

ah, saya rindu kelas saya yang dulu. ya, meskipun penuh persaingan tidak sehat. hei, tapi saya rindu. saya rindu kalian ber-19..

tapi saya tahu saya harus tetap maju. boleh rindu, asal jangan sampai larut. ya, saya merasakan mungkin ini adalah masa-masa transisi dari SMA ke bangku kuliah. jauh dari yang saya bayangkan sebelumnya..

tugas menumpuk setiap hari. dosen jarang masuk pada mata kuliah tertentu. entah apakah saya harus senang atau bagaimana. tugas datang tiada henti. presntasi tugas yang terjadi setiap hari..

saya belum tahu mereka semua. bahkan jika ada yang menyapa saya di jalan atau dimanapun, saya pasti bingung mereka siapa. bagaimana bisa kenal. esoknya baru saya sadar mereka adalah bagian kelas saya. bodoh sekali bukan? harusnya semua memakai tanda pengenal haha. bodoh..

ah ya, olah raga favorit kelas saya adalah futsal. dan pasti para lelaki yang main. yang perempuan hanya menonton. bersorak. ya begitulah. hampir setiap minggu mereka selalu bermain. kalah. menang itu biasa..

mulai sekarang saya akan belajar untuk mencintai kelas ini. dan saya berusaha untuk menjadi mahasiswa yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya..

cemungudh :)

sunday morning

i spent my sunday morning with him. love today :)

sarapan berdua. jalan-jalan berdua. cerita-cerita. tertawa dan bercanda. aku senang. aku bahagia bisa habiskan waktu berdua seperti ini. seperti hari ini. seperti pagi ini

mungkin, kita emang butuh waktu seperti ini. kita butuh waktu untuk berdua. hanya kita berdua. aku. kamu. saling tukar pikiran. ini bukan tentang seberapa banyak kita ketemu. tapi ini tentang kualitas tiap pertemuan kita. lebih baik hanya ada sedikit waktu tapi kita bisa saling bertukar pikiran. melepas rindu. aku lebih senang seperti itu

aku tidak keberatan kuantitas pertemua kita hanya beberapa kali dalam sebulan. tapi aku lebih senang seperti itu. aku tidak mau kamu merasa bosan. aku ingin, tiap pertemuan ada sensasi yang beda. ada cerita baru lainnya. ada rindu yang berbeda :)

from now on, i try my best to become your perfect girlfriend. i know, nobody is perfect. but i try :)

thanks for today. you make my day wonderful

-much love for you, EKI-

#octoberwish

it's Friday night..
it's September 30th, 2011..
the end of this month..
tomorrow will start the new month..
october..

"aku berharap, aku masih bisa bertemu tanggal 11 ditiap bulannya dengan orang yang sama. langgeng ya @ekirifqy :)"

aku berharap. tapi tidak ingin terlalu tinggi berharapnya. kita sebagai manusia hanya bisa berencana. tapi Tuhan yang menentukan semuanya..

-aku sayang kamu-

Keyboard Error

STATUS: BORING

MIND CONDITION: ERROR

MONEY: NOT ENOUGH

HEART: WANT TO KNOW? ASKED ME....

ACTION: *DANCING* say WOHOOOOO~

Untitled

8 bulan, 1 minggu dan 3 hari. terima kasih untuk segala waktumu. terima kasih untuk sedikit atau banyak ruang dihatimu yang boleh aku isi. terima kasih karena telah mengisi hariku dengan senyum, canda dan tawamu. masih ada ribuan kata "terima kasih" bahkan jutaan...

pertengkaran kecil maupun besar pernah kita lalui. ya, kamu selalu diam. tapi aku tahu maksud diammu. mungkin aku sedikit mengganggu atau bahkan sangat menggangu. dan aku bingung harus bagaimana. lama-lama aku mulai terbiasa. dan setelah pertengakaran kita yang terakhir aku berusaha sebaik mungkin untuk membuatmu merasa nyaman didekatku...

maaf. maaf karena aku masih belum bisa menjadi sosok perempuan yang sempurna. yang menyenangkan. yang bisa selalu membuatmu merasa nyaman didekatku. maaf. maaf karena aku bukanlah perempuan yang cantik. tapi aku berusaha untuk "cantik" dari dalam. aku selalu berusaha sebaik mungkin untuk membahagiakanmu...

aku sayang kamu. mungkin sayang yang sederhana. sangat sederhana. aku tidak mau muluk-muluk. karena aku takut untuk terlalu tinggi berharap, karena jika tidak terjadi akan sakit jatuhnya. sangat sakit. aku sayang kamu. dan kamu juga sayang aku itu cukup untukku...

aku tahu mungkin kamu tidak akan baca tulisan ini. meskipun begitu, aku berharap apa yang selama ini aku maksud ke kamu, kamu bisa paham. aku tidak ingin memaksamu untuk menjadi orang lain. kamu selalu ada, meskipun tidak tiap saat, itu juga sudah cukup...

aku sayang kamu, Mas...

PK2 MABA

this is the busiest month ever, ever, ever and ever. this month i'm gonna be so tired, busy and kinda fun. my orientation college will be held at this month. fasting month. i will have my collage orientation next week and i'm not prepare anything yet. yuhuuu~ and i guess i will get much punishment haha. the seniors give me many assignments. and make me confuse which one i should do first. wish me luck for this orientation :DD *dance*